A reader recently asked me:
“I’ve been in a relationship with someone I really like. But whenever things start to get more serious—like they want to spend more time with me or talk about their feelings—I get super uncomfortable. I either shut down completely or find a reason to pull away. What’s going on with me?”
Let’s start with this:
You’re not broken.
You’re not unlovable.
And you’re definitely not the only one who struggles with this.
What you’re describing is a difficulty with intimacy—and it’s one of the most common emotional struggles I see in my therapy practice.
We all want to feel close to someone. But the moment that closeness gets real—when someone really sees us, or wants to be seen by us—it can trigger a flood of fear, anxiety, or even anger. Some people pull away. Some get defensive. Some go numb. Some start a fight. (Yep, even a “random” argument about the dishes can be a panic response to intimacy.)
If any of that sounds familiar, read on. Because in this article, I’m going to walk you through:
- What intimacy actually is (and what it’s not)
- Why it can feel so hard (even when you want it)
- Three simple shifts that can help you build more comfort with intimacy—without losing yourself in the process.
What Is Intimacy, Anyway?
Most people hear the word “intimacy” and think it just means physical closeness or romantic connection. But intimacy is much deeper than that.
Intimacy is what happens when you let someone really see you—and you stay.
You don’t shut down, you don’t ghost, you don’t change the subject.
You let yourself be known… and you stay present while knowing someone else, too.
That might sound beautiful—and it is—but it also takes a lot of emotional strength.
Because the real risk of intimacy isn’t “What if they don’t like me?”
It’s “What if they see all of me… and then leave?”
Or worse: “What if I lose myself trying to keep them?”
Why Intimacy Feels So Scary (Even When You Want It)
Here’s something most people don’t realize:
Intimacy activates old emotional wiring.
If you grew up in a home where closeness meant criticism…
Or where your emotions were ignored, dismissed, or used against you…
Or where you had to perform or please just to feel safe…
… then real intimacy might feel dangerous.
Even now, as an adult, in a safe and healthy relationship.
That’s because, on some level, your nervous system still thinks:
“Being seen = being hurt.”
“Needing someone = being abandoned.”
“Opening up = losing control.”
So what do we do instead?
We adapt. We protect ourselves.
We build a false self: the version of us that’s nice, agreeable, chill, independent, low-maintenance.
That version may help you feel safe, but it keeps real connection just out of reach.
This is something we talk about a lot in PACT and Mastersonian therapy. The “false self” keeps us functioning on the surface, but prevents the real self—your vulnerable, messy, amazing, human self—from showing up in relationships.
And guess what?
There’s no intimacy without your real self.
So How Do You Build Intimacy Without Feeling Overwhelmed?
You don’t need to dive headfirst into emotional exposure or have some massive vulnerability breakthrough. You just need to start practicing three key shifts—slowly, gently, and consistently.
1. Name What’s Happening (Even Just to Yourself)
When you notice yourself pulling away, shutting down, or panicking when someone gets close—pause and name it.
“This is that thing I do when someone sees me.”
“This is where it starts to feel unsafe.”
“This is my fear of being too much or not enough.”
Naming your emotional response won’t fix it, but it gives you a little space between the trigger and the reaction. And in that space, you get to choose how to move forward.
2. Let Small Moments of Contact In
You don’t have to spill your life story or force a deep conversation if that feels overwhelming. Try letting in just a little more connection than you usually would:
- Instead of brushing off a compliment, say “Thank you” and breathe.
- Instead of changing the subject when someone shares something real, say “That means a lot to me that you shared that.”
- Instead of retreating when your partner reaches for your hand, take it—and stay present.
These small moments of staying—with yourself and with someone else—are how we build emotional muscle for intimacy.
3. Remind Yourself: Closeness Doesn’t Mean Collapse
A big reason people fear intimacy is because they fear losing themselves in the relationship.
This is especially true if you had to suppress your needs or emotions growing up in order to keep peace or connection.
So remind yourself, again and again:
“I can be close and stay connected to myself.”
“I can care about someone without disappearing.”
“I can be vulnerable and still have boundaries.”
That’s real intimacy. Not just closeness. Not just caretaking.
But mutual, respectful, emotionally safe connection where both people get to be real.
Final Thoughts
If you struggle with intimacy, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you.
It means you learned—at some point—that being real wasn’t safe.
And now, you’re learning something new:
That maybe it can be safe. That maybe, with the right people, and the right tools, and the right support… it’s okay to let yourself be seen.
Because as scary as intimacy can feel at first…
It’s also where the deepest healing happens.
And it’s where you get to be loved—not for the mask you wear, but for the person you really are.
